A Veteran’s Perspective

A Veteran’s Perspective | By Joseph Ellis, Program Administrator Outreach Court & Forensic Peer Navigator Supervisor, Denver County Court

From Serving in the Army to Houselessness & Addiction

I spent so many nights in strange places during my time in the Army. I spent nights sleeping on the ground, on top of fuel tankers, in an ambulance, in makeshift hammocks, and sometimes just crunched up in a seat in a Humvee. As uncomfortable as it was, I saw it as part of the job. I think that made not having a proper place to sleep during my addiction struggles not only tolerable but I actually saw myself as being resilient and resourceful for being able to survive that way.

In my ten hard years of substance use I had burned so many bridges with family members and friends. My priorities were so messed up that I spent my time and what little resources I had on drinking or using and where I laid my head would just work itself out. I was fortunate that I had family and friends who cared more about where I was than I did myself. For over 8 years of my use, I had no place of my own. I slept in cars, stayed on couches, lived with others, palettes on the floor, and finally ended up on a mattress in my father’s basement cursing that the sun had come up. During those years, I genuinely believed that I could survive whatever may come at me. I ignored the loving advice of friends and family telling myself, “That’s not what’s going to happen to me… I’ll show them”. I believed I could find a way to live a normal life and use substances and I tried time and time again, only to watch it crumble because of my addiction in every situation. I burned more bridges and did more damage. I’ll never forget the moment I laid there on that mattress and told myself I couldn’t do it anymore. I was either going to get busy with death or get busy with life. I knew I couldn’t do that to my children and family, so I chose to continue to fight. To fight for what I wanted my life to look like.

Treatment & Support

I was always told in treatment programs and support groups that I had to surrender and I couldn’t conceive of what that looked like. I had no idea how to surrender. I chose to do a two-year program in a therapeutic community because it was the hardest free program that I could find and had tried most all other modalities of treatment and failed at them. My life changed from the moment I made that choice to go on. My father, whom I had hurt and failed so many times before, asked me to promise him that I would give everything I had to this program. He said, “I know in my heart if you do that, you will succeed”. There have been times of struggle in which that promise was the only thing that kept me focused.

Veterans are incredibly resilient, resourceful, and at home with adversity. Special Warfare Command spends millions of dollars studying how to find these attributes in people, recruit them, and hone them into the greatest forces on the face of the earth. Those attributes are praised and highly valued. Oxford defines “resilience” as the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. Veterans are taught to have pride in everything and told they are the ones keeping our world free and safe. When you’re serving, it’s an ideal that you live by and a value that everything gets run through. You put others before yourself in everything. You go hungry, deprive yourself of sleep, get to the medic after everyone else has been cared for–making sure that every member of your team gets fed, patched up, and rested before yourself. You’re encouraged and praised for being able to “suck it up” and told that’s what makes a strong soldier. All these notions of self-sacrifice are drilled into you and may pay dividends in a war zone and especially so outside the wire. But what happens to those notions when you’re not in combat or in the field? Those same values and attributes don’t just disappear. They work against us and we repeat the motto “suck it up” in our heads. “You can handle this.” “You’ve got this.” When you’re using substances to cope with the situations in your life, these platitudes are dangerous and could very well kill you. Sometimes when you’re struggling to survive your pride is all you have to lean on. How are you supposed to surrender to the fact that you can’t manage your life when you’ve been trained to fight until your last breath and never concede defeat?

Through the grip of addiction and mental health crisis we become different people all together. We start sacrificing our values and doing things we never would’ve done, in our right mind. We develop shame and guilt. We carry moral injuries and terrible experiences. We wonder if mentioning it to someone else will be perceived as weakness or failure and we stay trapped in it, not knowing how else to cope with it. No one wakes up one day and says, “I want to become addicted to substances, ignore my wellness, and systematically hand my life over to them until the only thing I know how to do is use substances to escape the pain of living”. People take different paths to it but neglecting our wellness and using substances to cope only ends up in death. Whether physical, spiritual, or emotional death, it’s no way to go through life. Everyday becomes survival. It’s painful to think that there are people right now, today, that only know one way to make it through another day by using substances to salve their pain. For many years, I used substances not for euphoria but because I didn’t want to deal with being sick and in physical and emotional pain and saw no other way. My pride wouldn’t let me see that there were so many more healthy solutions being offered that I could try.

Recovery & Giving Back

I’ve been in long term recovery from substance use and mental health issues since March 21, 2013. I’m very proud that I’ve been in recovery longer than I was in my active addiction now. The first time I let someone help me, I realized what a double-edged sword pride can be. It felt strange and somehow weak but at the same time SO much weight was lifted off my shoulders. From then on asking for help and surrender (in some capacities) made more sense than trying to fight alone. I didn’t have to have all the answers. I could accept a hand up. Someone was willing to make sure all of my basic needs were met and I could focus on rebuilding my life. Treatment was one of the most difficult things I’d ever done in my life… but worth every second of it and more. I got to crawl, walk, and then run back into a life of recovery.

Today I have the privilege of helping other people try to find meaningful change. I get to work in the criminal justice setting with treatment courts and specialty programs that encourage treatment instead of incarceration. I’m blessed beyond measure and never could’ve imagined my life could be as good as it is. Life in recovery is not without its challenges and frustrations. I get to help others find the power that they had the whole time and didn’t know how to get back in touch with it. It all began with working on my pride, asking for help, and trusting in something outside of myself. I don’t like thinking about my past. But it is incredibly important to help me remain grateful in my life today. I choose to believe that by sharing my story I may be able to help at least one person with it and that in itself is plenty of reason to share it.I have devoted my life to trying to make a difference for others who struggle with the same things I did. Today, I’m a certified addiction counselor and I counsel folks in early recovery who are in treatment, and I get to teach psycho-educational classes. I’ve also worked to become a Colorado Certified Peer & Family Specialist and a Recovery Coach Professional Facilitator (RCPF) and my vocation is training others that want to help folks going through what we did. That’s part of the beauty of recovery. It’s a shared gift that gets stronger by giving it away. I’ve been privileged to help many veterans find services, get connected to benefits, housing, treatment, and build strong support systems that offer the camaraderie and belief in community that I had when serving. If you are someone blessed enough to have found recovery and that meaningful change, you can continue to pay it forward and help the next person who is struggling. There are so many people and organizations out there that can help you with your challenges. Regardless of your service status and honestly regardless of your veteran status. They want to help you as a person realize the life that you deserve to live. Please put away the pride (for a bit) and ask for help. I promise you that you will find more help than you know what to do with.

Resources

Veterans have many resources available to them both through the VA and outside of it that can help. The VA is not the only choice you have. There are so many non-profit and community organizations and programs through the city specifically for vets. No matter your service. There is the Colorado Coalition for the homeless and their Homeless Veteran Reintegration Program, (HVRP), and Rocky Mountain Human Services has a program called “Homes for all Veterans” that will help you find a place and pay first and last month’s rent for you so that you can have a stable place to live. The VA offers substance use help, mental health services, and other supportive services that can help make life better for those struggling with just that basic needs of life. But there seems to be a big disconnect between those services and veterans who need them. A lot of vets make the mistake of assuming that they aren’t eligible for services for whatever reason and may not even ask. Some have no idea the services exist and are able to be used. THIS is where that pride comes in again. Instead of making assumptions about availability or eligibility, just check it out. Take a positive step and look into them. It may take some work but is worth finding out what help and hope exists for you. 

Don’t stop with the VA. Check out all the Veteran Non-Profits that are out there and how they may be able to help you. In my experience these organizations are just out to help other veterans with no strings attached. I’ve seen the Vietnam Veterans of America help to pay for a veteran of recent wars CDL test. If you are struggling with substance use and/or mental health issues, reach out to WarriorNow. They are ingrained into the veteran community and can point you in the right direction based on your needs. Please reach out.

  • Veterans Community Resource Center

Located in: Inner City Health Center

Address: 3836 York St, Denver, CO 80205

Hours: Open ⋅ Closes 3 PM

Phone: (303) 294-5600

 

How to give back/Help vets in need:

  •  Become a Mentor for Veterans Struggling with substance use and mental health concerns: www.warriornow.org